I'm the Shiznit!

I am officially stressed and harassed!

proceed with caution!

I was teary eyed a while ago.  after such a long time i found myself chatting with my friend, Joao.  He urged me to view his never before seen pictures of our friends.  Much to my delight, i had a big smile on my face, i could still smell the scent of the air, hear the droning of the lunch break, and the sensation of my clothes that was present during the time when those pictures were taken.  Before i started to get all cheesy, i managed to keep myself intact and just enjoy the pictures as i look at them one by one. The hairstyle, the clothes, the attitude. . .these things showed in the pictures symbolizes a certain time period.  AWESOME!!!

I have missed that feeling.  That feeling that you have when there arent any complications in your life, like you do now.  When the biggest problems you have were heartaches, grades, school projects, and where to go during the weekends.  It's all different now.  I wish i could turn back time and relinquish the good old times with my "brothers." 

We do have to let go.  We cant stay in there forever, even if we enjoyed every moment of it.  It is time to write another chapter in our life, and look for more adventures, with other people. 

When all the stress just piles up within me, it's these happy memories that make me enjoy what i have now.

I am surprisingly calm these past few days.  my focus is on lock, thus, making meditation easier. 

I finally saw my sister's wedding video.  Damn!  I really should push myself into losing more weight.  I looked like some tomato with spiky hair and bangs in a tuxedo. 

Financial droughts continue to hover.  What's new?  Cingular just sent me a letter stating that they are asking for a deposit for their service since i did not use a credit card or something like that.  was that the "fee waiver" that sales agent was telling me?  fuck!  They'll do anything to sell something.  She'll see me again if cingular does charge me 500 dollars. hmph!

Besides that, all is normal.  I am still thinking about purchasing new wheels for my car.  It's time for Cinderella to wear new shoes.  It is one of those times that i will act indecisively and just go with my instincts.  I dont know how to pay for that freakin' deposit if ever that were true, but i think it is manageable.  I guess it's back to my "rediscovering home" method of saving money.  I have been realizing that whenever i try to purchase something i really want, something just comes up and prevents me in doing so.  I bought a new car last year, the day that i was going to get insurance for it, someone from work did not return my misplaced wallet with 300 dollars inside.  I have a lot of plans for my car, but guess what? my "just to spend on" list just rolled down a mile long.  And these things on the list are obligatory expenses.  crap.

oh well.  cant be a fairytale ending all the time.

we do come to a point in where we have to make a decision between two choices that will yield two different outcomes.  Choices are so hard to make every once in a while, due to the fear of living with the consequence of the choice made in question.

plans may have been on lock yesterday, but i could still say that it went pretty well.  It was pure luck for us to meet Bj, Mika, and her friend Ronnie(???) over at old town Pasadena.  I guess that acquaintance pretty much started the day, or night. Stroll time wasnt that much, though every time i go there, walking around is almost certain.  it was the driving around trying to look for that darn club that was supposedly still operational that somehow ticked me(us???) off.  i felt so ashamed to my friends for leading them around aimlessly.  oh well. 

Bj went home, and we just decided to spend time at Denny's.  It's the usual, we have fun at denny's.  ill take a sampler. . .all the time. 

I just went home, forgot my house keys , cussed at myself.  good thing i still had my room key.  my room is not in the house, but connected to it. haha.  lucky.  with all the anti-frizz and wax on my hair, i went over to the garden and hosed my face and hair.  cold as shit, but it works. 

  balancing work and school is no joke.  but i must admit, i hate letting my mind rot.  sure, i go to school, but unlike my friends who went to college as a full time student.  During my lunch break at work, i spend the remaining minutes just reading anything that i can get my hands on.  May it be boring material, or something that interests me, ill read it.  it is better to enrich your mind with new knowledge rather than feeding your mind with some junk like rumors about other people(my co-workers eat, sleep, and shit rumors).  i have made a commitment to keep on learning new disciplines and keep on enriching myself with learned information.  Since i am currently limited in what i can do physically, i might as well sharpen my mind or try other things that does not require strenuous physical activity.  i am really excited about this new discipline that i discovered.  i knew this from way before, but after some extensive research, there is a lot more to it than i ever fathomed.  i decided to practice this discipline in secrecy, no one will see me making mistakes.  When i feel that i am able to exhibit my new found skills, then i will share it to other people.  simultaneously, i will absorb everything i see, hear, and realize and incorporate them to daily life.  Now i am starting to realize that lessons in school like the Scientific Method, does have some purpose in life.  to kill boredom at work, i have started to conduct my own "experiments."  For today, since i was stationed at an observation/company operations post, i really had nothing to do but to make sure business operation was running smooth. What i really did is just too geeky, not to mention too long to even put it in writing.  haha.  to put it this way, i have selected a sample of people, had my timer, and did my self made experiments.  heck!  i even had my independent, and dependent variables.  haha.  i dont think girls will find this very sexy.  what can i do?  id rather do something than just stare aimlessly.  some of my friends just cut me off when i explain in detail why our skin gets dark when exposed to the sun.  heehee. 

 II. 

  The only good thing when you have such limited resources(such as money) is that your skill of working around what you have is greatly enhanced.  sure, having an infinite amount of resource (such as time and money) is great, but the thing is, you'll depend on them heavily rather than depend on your own skill.  So if i have a lot of money, i could just build the fastest car around.  The downside to that is that ill depend heavily on the car, whereas when u have an ordinary car, you will eventually learn how to actually drive faster.  Some people may have a fast car, but they are not fast drivers.  why i gave this example?  i just served someone their ass. yeah, my car is slow, but I AM FAST!!!  sure, you'll kill me when we go straight, but let's see how good you are going downhill on a winding road. let's see you step on the gas pedal now.  BUT!!!  these activities should not be done on the streets! but sometimes, it's good to just shut the mouths of arrogant boys who cant drive. 

III.
  i hope tomorrow promises good times with friends.  i also hope that people from work will actually follow me to old town pasadena.

My good friend David Conrad Stradlater Agawin says,

" Never risk more than you can afford to lose."

 

true.

after a long hiatus, here i am once more.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION WILL NOW COMMENCE!!!

people have been warned, advised in an orderly manner, and given enough time.

Some people, in my opinion, will not like me for what am about to do.

I dont like to do this, but i am forced to do it and i think that this is the only way to put things back in order.

And for that i am sorry. I am just doing what i have to do. 

I have been forced to a corner with no escape, and like a wounded dog, i will strive to stay alive.

Currently, i have no space available to take other people's issues as a liability.

I have lived most of my life with liabilities, and i have just started to find my own harmony and inner peace.

I will not allow anyone to intercept me right now. 

I am living my OWN life; with no one to please, and no one to worry about.

I will worry about these other things when im done worrying about myself.

After so many years, i will don this mask again.  This mask that i thought i wont ever wear again.

I will be a somewhat different person, from what i am right now.  The person who i was once will walk again from time to time.

I hope not to be that person again, but it is just necessary to be that person now.

So help me God.

Im glad this day is over!  The day started out in a not so positive manner, work situations didnt help either.  the upside to it is that i had no violent encounters with people today.  not bad for a busy Thursday, when there are always unpleasant dealings with customers.  What a way to finish of the day.  A cup of boba, an air conditioned room, and two sweet smelling girls(a definite weakness) beside me.  SUH-WEET!  too bad they sound just like those typical girls who only talk about hair, and guys.  ugh!  "it's like, he's the cutest guy. . ."  uh. ok. i didnt know rancho cucamonga has these girls.  haha. 

I have to wake-up early tomorrow and buy a present for a friend, maybe get a piercing, and go straight to work.  man, i dont know what to say anymore!  let's get this week over with!